Maria... my daughter...

These days a lesbian friend of mine, after inviting me over for dinner, called me the next day to ask: Do you want to donate your sperm just so that me and my girlfriend can have a baby?

Gasp...

You see, she continued, we prefer to have it from somebody we know (sperm with a face) than having it from a stranger...

Well, not your usually phone call request, right? What would you say? That is, n case you were a sperm producing entity?

 I said I was honoured with the thought and then, not wanting to say yes or no in an impulse, said that I needed some time to reflect on it...

Truly, I swear to God, I never wanted to have children of my own. You know, it never crossed my mind and I never had the strong urge to "perpetuate" my genes... I just don't! If I ever had to have a child I would adopt, just to offer a human being a chance of having a life that would have the basic needs covered like food, education and hopefully love too... plus, from my then marriage, I had gained the unpredictable and marvellous gift of  2 children, from my then husband's former straight marriage. 

Then I realized that IF I said yes I would never be able to be JUST a sperm giver (not that I am very stingy with it at all) but I would never be able to sleep in peace again for the rest of my life knowing that, somewhere out there there would be a "mini me"... not to mention stealing from my family the chance of having another grandchild, nephew/niece, cousin... my life would be hell and the Lesbian couple's lives would also be hell because I would be a VERY present father!!! And I don't think that's what they were really going for.

I must say, though, that the sudden possibility rang some dormant bells that tickled my heart in a very funny way... I was certain I would say NO but I let the thought linger a bit longer within my soul just to feel this sensation of the possibility... it is such a beautiful possibility... and I kept discussing with myself, even using Biblical images to play the best role of a real Devil's advocate: C'mon, Marcello, i told myself, think of the sperm that is produced, induced, utilized for non pregnancy purposes on a very regular basis... would it really be so bad to say: OK, take it... good luck...?

but I could not, I know I could not know that "My baby" would be away from me!!!!

Maria. That would be her name... a week before I was asked, I had this dream: Myself and Christian, my then husband, adopting a baby and me saying that Maria would be her name...

I told it to the lesbian couple... they told me if they had a girl they would name her Maria! I did not say no as in N-O. but I said it, pretty much NO by expressing my thoughts on the matter... now I am a tiny bit tormented with the daughter I never had and the daughter I never thought I wanted to have...

Maria... my beautiful Maria... I hope you will come to this world, anyway, through sperm, heart, whatever... through 2 moms, 2 dads, whatever... in Spiritism they say that we all, as souls, choose where and from whom we want to be born... if it is true, than I hope Maria will be born close to me and I will be able to protect her as a God father, an uncle, whatever...I just hope, if this little soul that might have knocked at my subconscious mind's door gets to be born, we will be able to connect, somehow... Jung used to say: we are constantly meeting souls that have had past connections with us...

Anyway, sometimes life just happens like "this", its a blink, its a bump, and all metaphysical questions are just it: Metaphysical questions!

And just in case life is really pure mathematics and all this spiritism talk is just Mambo Jambo, I named my new digital camera MARIA LEIKA!